


That One Shitty Brideshead '''Homage'''

by Evren Rambunctious (DHume)



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: F/F, F/M, Loss of Virginity, descriptions of death and gore, ginger skulduggery, past eliza/china
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 09:15:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DHume/pseuds/Evren%20Rambunctious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skulduggery meets China Sorrows in a dusty old house she and her brother own one summer, whilst she is 'recuperating' from her time with the Church of the Faceless Ones with her excommunicated brother. Mevolent is on the rise; Bliss has gathered the best sorcerers of his generation to plan strategy. Unfortunately, Miss Sorrows, the reluctant guest, can be very distracting...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is; BONE CHINA: THE EPIC. I was going to complete this before posting it but with 6k done and no end in sight I thought a WIP would motivate me more than a rough draft sitting alone on my computer. This fic will hopefully follow a rough timeline I have sketched out in my head of the pre-books, covering China and Skul's first meeting up until they part ways, possibly (for maximum heartbreak) continuing it up until China's betrayal. However, Skul's wife WILL NOT BE APPEARING, DESCRIBED, OR MENTIONED BY NAME, as per Derek's wishes.

 

Skulduggery rounded the lane and came to the gate; a huge, black wrought-iron thing that opened from dusty country road onto gravel. He paused to stare at the expansive path, opening out onto a large, well-manicured lawn, then hurried after Bliss. 

In front of them was a miniature landscape, with hillocks, hedges and a small lake arranged round the huge mansion of light-coloured stone. 

"This is one of my family's homes," Bliss explained, when Skulduggery had caught up. Skulduggery caught the implication behind 'one of' and shuddered a little. It was huge. 

"This was one of my twice-great aunt's, before she went mad and got herself obliterated by some Necromancer or other. Possibly her husband, though I can't remember." 

Bliss smiled briefly and without humour. 

"It used to be our summer house, but now China and I are grown, summer trips no longer appeal..." He finished speaking just as they reached the front door (one of the front doors?), the focal point of the huge gardens. 

“The weather really shows off the grounds, doesn’t it? Really, you've arrived at the perfect time, although not as early as some of the others. My sister is here too, though regrettably not for a holiday. Not really out of her own choice, either. She was getting too involved with the Church of the Faceless Ones, and I know just how poisonous their beliefs can be." His expression changed to something like a wince, if you could call what Bliss' stone-like face did wincing.

"Is she unhappy, then?"

"Sulking," Bliss amended. "Sometimes she seems so immature, much than I am - I blame it on that cursed Church. She's really not happy with me and, probably by extension, you and anyone else she sees for the next few weeks.” He paused.  “I’m only telling you all this as a warning, by the way."

"A warning?" Skulduggery echoed. "Bliss, I don't know what you think of me, I know I don't look like much, but I can deal with someone, anyone, who doesn't like me."

"Oh no," Bliss smiled, and this time it was more than a ghostly suggestion on his face, wide and dangerous looking. "I wasn't warning you because of that. My sister has a special ability — call it Adept magic, call it a special blessing, a curse, I honestly don't know which myself — that will cause you a great deal of discomfort while you're here, especially since I've put her in such a vindictive mood."

Skulduggery didn't want to ask, but ask he did. 

"And this ability is?" 

Bliss sighed.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but when you meet her, you will instantly fall in love with her. A love stronger and more intense than any you have ever known. I can guarantee it—“ he added, waving his hand to forestall Skulduggery's protests.

"It's not a true love. It never is. But you will feel as if it is, and you will do stupid things because of it. Luckily, the effect fades in time."

Skulduggery suddenly felt incredibly anxious. He hadn't signed up to lose his mind to a malevolent worshipper of the Faceless Ones while he was here. He swallowed. 

"How much time, would you say?"

"Sometimes never," Bliss said. "Oh look, we're here. And I'm sure China will be looking forward to meeting you. On we go."

They went in. 

\--

The front room was huge. Wood panelling and lush plant-themed fabric dominated the walls, and the air immediately began to feel cooler, stiller. The walked on, Bliss pointing out a drawing room here, a library or parlour there. The rooms were numberless. They seemed to walk on forever before reaching the main foyer; Skulduggery kept expecting to see the mysterious China Sorrows or even his friends, Bliss’ other guests, but no one appeared. The house was silent. 

And then they reached the foot of the main, great two-winged staircase, and Skulduggery looked up, and forgot how to breathe.

 

She came down the staircase, slowly, measuredly, like it was her wedding day. What if it was? Skulduggery wished it was. He wished he could marry this goddess, spend every waking moment with her, carrying out her every whim, if only he was good enough. No, he could never hope to be good enough to marry her- to speak to her, even. He would live his life as her faithful, silent servant, doing whatever was required of him to make her happy. He felt he knew her already, though he had only seen now --

He had only just seen her now. He had no idea what she was like. 

That didn't matter, though. She was perfect. 

 _No_ , she was dangerous. 

How could he know that? 

Bliss had told him that. 

Bliss had _told_ him that he would fall in love with her-- 

He had known that it was destined! 

No, he had known it would happen because it was an enchantment. A false enchantment, that's what Bliss had said. 

This love was false. 

With some effort, Skulduggery calmed himself down, made himself aware of his surroundings, looked away from China. Stared at the wall. Heard -- clapping?

"Oh, well done, well done!" said China, continuing to clap. Skulduggery's eyes found her face almost automatically, and he saw she was laughing. 

"You didn't say anything aloud. No declarations of love at all! How marvellous!" She turned to address Bliss, seeming to forget Skulduggery existed. "What good revolutionary material. Didn't say a word, did he." She turned back to Skulduggery. "Of course, you did nearly swoon, and gape gormlessly, and flush a shade that clashes with your hair very terribly, but you didn't say any actual words. Well _done_."

Skulduggery wanted to die. 

He'd been warned. He'd been warned and still hadn't been able to resist her. Every so often his eyes would find her face again without his conscious permission and he would feel his mind clouding, would have to stare at the ceiling to regain any sense. He couldn't spend his time here staring at walls and hiding from corners in fear of simply looking at her, as if she were some great basilisk. 

Bliss seemed to sense his discomfort at last, when it was far too late. The damage had been done.

“Follow me and I’ll call everyone else out to greet you. Then I can explain exactly why you’re all here.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's heating up! We find out why the proto-Dead Men are here, and just how far Mr. Bliss will go to bring the Church of the Faceless Ones down...

They left the large staircase, China’s light laugh echoing uncomfortably in Skulduggery’s ears. On an intellectual level, he knew that she was a vindictive woman and, as a member (current? Excommunicated like Bliss? He hadn’t said) of the the Church of The Faceless Ones, probably half insane. On a visceral, emotional level, though, his thoughts kept getting tugged back to how perfect her laugh was; warm, full of feeling, and yet perfectly reserved. It was—

“Ah, here we are.”

Completely distracted, Skulduggery had only just avoided walking into the doorframe of a large kitchen. This was getting tiring already.

They went toward the big stone table occupying the middle of the room. Skulduggery couldn’t get over how large everything here was, from the doors and furniture to the gardens. Just another consequence of being filthy rich cultists, he supposed. Skulduggery sat down on a wooden stool, drumming his fingers on the cool countertop. He was starving, and hoped the meeting place was a precursor to break bread while they worked. 

“I’ll fetch the others,” Bliss said, walking over to Skulduggery with a pitcher of beer and a few mugs. “You must be parched after your travels. Here, I won’t be a moment.”

He left Skulduggery with the beer and walked back out the same way they’d arrived, leaving Skulduggery utterly alone. He felt vulnerable. How was anyone supposed to know where anyone else was in this labyrinth of rooms? One could lurk and jump out at anybody whenever they felt like it, and if who Skulduggery suspected was going to be here was present, he could already tell that it was going to be a long few weeks.

He busied himself with pouring out beer for the other soon-to-be occupants of the table; five if Bliss had counted the mugs right. If he was going to be eating Bliss’ food and lazing around whilst playing at being a revolutionary, he may as well be at least slightly useful. 

Soon enough, thundering steps came down the hall - Skulduggery winced on Bliss’ behalf - and Saracen Rue arrived, flashing a grin at Skulduggery. 

“Ah, you made it!” He nodded, swiped a mug, and took the nearest stool the door, across from Skulduggery. 

“I thought you weren’t coming. Great place Bliss has here, right? Gorgeous orchard a little way from the house, I bet you could make some nice fruit pies and even nicer wine.” He yawned, and stretched. “Ghastly’s here too, and Erskine, and Dexter, and now you of course. All in it together,” he added, wrinkling his nose slightly. 

More footsteps, and Dexter Vex peeked his head around the large door, breaking into a smile when he saw who was there. 

“Skulduggery!” He cried, walking over. Skulduggery rose from the table.

“Speak of the devil,” he replied. Dexter walked over and grabbed a mug of beer from the cluster, sitting by him. 

“Haven’t seen you in months. How have you been? How was the trip?I heard the weather by the coast is awful.”

“It’s so-so”, Skulduggery admitted. “Hasn’t been bad for weeks, though.” How long had they all been there?

Saracen got up and moved to one of cabinets, opening drawers seemingly at random and muttering. 

“I’m starved,” he explained, looking over his shoulder at Skulduggery. “Aren’t you?”

Skulduggery nodded. 

“There’s a meat pie in here somewhere…” Saracen’s tongue stuck out slightly in concentration as he crouched to look inside a floor level cupboard. 

Almost soundlessly, Bliss reappeared at the kitchen’s entrance followed by Erskine Ravel and Ghastly Bespoke. Saracen hadn’t noticed. Skulduggery and Dexter rose out of politeness, and the scraping of wooden stool over stone floor seemed to startle Saracen, who started and banged his head on the cupboard frame. He swore, and stood, brushing his hands off. 

“Hunting for food, Rue?” Bliss asked. He didn’t seem amused.

“Just for the newest guest,” he answered, without a trace of guilt at being caught pilfering. Skulduggery got the impression that Bliss had had to get used to this sort of behaviour. 

The three men stepped into the kitchen and seated themselves, with Bliss at the head of the table. Skulduggery, seeing that is was his unofficial job, passed out the rest of the mugs of beer. Ghastly and Erskine murmured their thanks; Bliss just nodded, and leaned forward, looking grave.

“I’d like to thank you all for being here. I know that this season is a busy time for some of your families. But my reasons were serious enough to warrant it.”

Everyone nodded, sipping their drinks and waiting for him to get on with it. Bliss sat up even straighter, if such a thing were possible, as if he had to steel himself for what he was about to say.

"Forces of, I won’t know how else to say it, evil are on the rise," Bliss explained, looking at them each in turn. "Powerful ones. And you know how sorcerers love to feed the egos of those in power." A look passed quickly across his face, almost rueful.

"An immensely powerful man called Mevolent, a prominent follower of the Faceless Ones, has started whispering to his lackeys about a war they would be sure to win. Many cowards are already portioning out their loyalties and making bargains in readiness.

Mevolent speaks of his master, an unnamed mystery mage, that will allow them to vanquish all non-believers once and for all and bring the Faceless Ones back if only they offer up their loyalty to them now.”

There was total silence. Skulduggery’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor.

"Why haven't we heard about this?" Dexter finally asked. "Why isn’t anyone talking about this? The Elders should know. They should be warning people! Isn't this dangerous?"

Bliss turned to him.

" _You_ haven't heard about this simply because no one else, not even the Elders themselves have heard about this. Only the most astute and loyal followers of the Faceless Ones know about this storm brewing."

Everyone at once tried very hard to look everywhere but at Bliss or the ceiling, where they knew China was in one of the rooms above. Bliss coughed.

"Hopefully, we can foil their plans simply by shedding light on their little secret plans now. Opening the curtains on the cockroaches, as it were. But our actions will need a lot of planning. We'll need to strike fast, hard, and mercilessly to burn this… weed. Even _one_ powerful mage, _one_ family that supports this lunacy, will leave the gate open for total, apocalyptic war.”

The words seemed far too serious for a light, airy kitchen. Everyone’s eyes were wide in shock. Ghastly leant forward.

“You're not proposing..." Ghastly left the sentence unfinished, not wanting to say the words.

Bliss stared him down. 

“The eradication of the Church and all its members? Yes."

"You can't. That's barbaric. They're everywhere." Saracen looked a little sick.

"If it isn’t done, chaos _will_ reign. But I understand your squeamishness, gentlemen. I expected it. In this case, we'll have to resort to damage control. Battle training, planning, tactics. Long term, short term. We have no way of knowing how this will go, so we must plan for every eventuality."

"Aren't you being a bit defeatist?" Erskine asked.

Bliss turned to him. He sighed, and cracked his knuckles, as if stretching them.

"You all seem disbelieving. I can see it in your eyes - you think I'm overreacting. But none of you have ever moved in the same circles of the Church. None of you have seen what they believe, what they do. I have."

He leaned forward.

"Is that enough to go on with, gentlemen? I could describe to you every reason why I'm being so radical. Or you could trust me."

 


End file.
